26 April 2016

Why I Find It Difficult To Come Back

I don't want this to sound like a break-up because I promise, from the bottom of my heart, it's not. But, we need to talk.

For the past year or so I've been very absent from the blogging world and for the past year or so, I've been popping up occasionally and writing a post about how I'm finding blogging difficult but I'll be back soon. That was okay at first but I've lost count of the number of times I've told you all I'll be back and, frankly, you deserve better than that. 

Through A Cat's Eyes has been running since August 2007 when my lovely friend, Amber, introduced me to the world of blogging. I've been through a lot of names and a lot of awful designs but we're approaching the 9th anniversary of this blog and, honestly, I feel like it would be wrong to celebrate. I've barely posted since the end of  2014. 

Over the past 8 and a bit years, this wee blog has grown into a community, a community I really adore. I've made some wonderful friends through blogging, friends who have stuck with me even when I haven't been posting or even tweeting. I can't put into words how much I appreciate that. To make it all worse, I popped back up in your twitter timelines again last month promoting my uni blog - Cat Keeps It Veggie - asking for support on a project I didn't care about in the slightest. I can't believe that I actually got support for that blog but thank you so much for everyone who read it. Having to write a blog for uni just reminded me of the community I'd left behind for no good reason.

I wish I had an explanation for my absence but I don't and you all deserve a whole lot more than me coming up with excuses. I started university in September of last year and yes, I've been busy, but I could have found the time to blog nonetheless. I lost motivation and all creativity. For a while I was publishing content I wasn't proud of and any content creator will know how crappy that feels. I became hyper-critical of everything I was writing and then, instead of powering through, I gave up, using uni as an excuse by telling myself  I was just too busy to blog. Every week or so, I would come back to my blog and just stare at the homescreen, not even bringing myself to open a page for a new post because I knew that wasn't going to happen anyway. I was "too busy". Recently, I realised that when I came onto the blogger homepage, I was no longer feeling any connection to my blog. It broke my heart. Through A Cat's Eyes was my pride and joy for 8 years. Now I don't even feel like I can call it my own because I've neglected it for so long. 

I miss blogging, I really do, but I'm scared to make a comeback. I struggle to put my heart into this blog now because 14 year-old Catriona's heart is still here. All I know is that I miss writing, I miss being creative and I miss all of you. After a year of being a rubbish blogger, I don't feel as though I deserve the support and readership I built up when I was writing every week. I'm finishing my first year of uni after my exam tomorrow (yes I should be studying right now) and I really want to blog again this summer. I just want to write and take photos and maybe make videos and make art and make music, I just want to be creative so so badly because it's what makes me happiest. I just feel as though, maybe, I can't come back here to do these things.

I'm in a bit of a rut, as you can probably tell. I'm sorry for the past year and a half and I'm sorry for this mess of a post. I haven't even proof-read it. I had no clue what I was going to say when I opened the page. I love you all and I'm sorry for leaving you. Maybe I'll be back this summer, who knows, I just hope you'll take me back. 

lots of love, 
catriona ♥
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4 comments

  1. Cat! This post made quite sad! You were one of my first bloggy pals (I believe you were among my very first followers), and four years later (I've just had my blogoversary) it breaks my heart so see that you've become disillusioned with your blog. I know it's hard to keep going sometimes, this is something I struggle with sometimes, I mean the other week I was about to take pics for a bookshelf tag but I stopped myself because I realised the post would have no point, but if being creative is what makes you happy then you can so absolutely get back to making content of which you're proud AND WE WILL BE HERE TO READ IT, I PROMISE! Please please please do come back, and whatever you decide, don't beat yourself up about it xxx

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    1. I'm genuinely so flattered that you still read my blog, Emily. I remember the super early days of your blog and how we became friends and it makes me really sad thinking about the community I drifted from. It's people like you that make me really want to come back here. Thank you so so much for your support and friendship, it means a lot ♥ xo

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  2. I completely understand where you're coming from. And that's okay! Your blog shouldn't have to be a struggle or a chore. I've been following your blog since I started blogging about 3/4 years ago (..wow that long? time flies..) and your posts have always been full of joy and full of you. And if you're no longer feeling that you and your blog are one, that is honestly completely okay! It was an honour to be a reader and I do hope you'll find your blogging spirit and come back. But of course there is no pressure. All the best Cat!
    Marian x

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    1. Thank you so so much, Marian. Your comment genuinely made my day ♥

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