26 April 2016

Why I Find It Difficult To Come Back

I don't want this to sound like a break-up because I promise, from the bottom of my heart, it's not. But, we need to talk.

For the past year or so I've been very absent from the blogging world and for the past year or so, I've been popping up occasionally and writing a post about how I'm finding blogging difficult but I'll be back soon. That was okay at first but I've lost count of the number of times I've told you all I'll be back and, frankly, you deserve better than that. 

Through A Cat's Eyes has been running since August 2007 when my lovely friend, Amber, introduced me to the world of blogging. I've been through a lot of names and a lot of awful designs but we're approaching the 9th anniversary of this blog and, honestly, I feel like it would be wrong to celebrate. I've barely posted since the end of  2014. 

Over the past 8 and a bit years, this wee blog has grown into a community, a community I really adore. I've made some wonderful friends through blogging, friends who have stuck with me even when I haven't been posting or even tweeting. I can't put into words how much I appreciate that. To make it all worse, I popped back up in your twitter timelines again last month promoting my uni blog - Cat Keeps It Veggie - asking for support on a project I didn't care about in the slightest. I can't believe that I actually got support for that blog but thank you so much for everyone who read it. Having to write a blog for uni just reminded me of the community I'd left behind for no good reason.

I wish I had an explanation for my absence but I don't and you all deserve a whole lot more than me coming up with excuses. I started university in September of last year and yes, I've been busy, but I could have found the time to blog nonetheless. I lost motivation and all creativity. For a while I was publishing content I wasn't proud of and any content creator will know how crappy that feels. I became hyper-critical of everything I was writing and then, instead of powering through, I gave up, using uni as an excuse by telling myself  I was just too busy to blog. Every week or so, I would come back to my blog and just stare at the homescreen, not even bringing myself to open a page for a new post because I knew that wasn't going to happen anyway. I was "too busy". Recently, I realised that when I came onto the blogger homepage, I was no longer feeling any connection to my blog. It broke my heart. Through A Cat's Eyes was my pride and joy for 8 years. Now I don't even feel like I can call it my own because I've neglected it for so long. 

I miss blogging, I really do, but I'm scared to make a comeback. I struggle to put my heart into this blog now because 14 year-old Catriona's heart is still here. All I know is that I miss writing, I miss being creative and I miss all of you. After a year of being a rubbish blogger, I don't feel as though I deserve the support and readership I built up when I was writing every week. I'm finishing my first year of uni after my exam tomorrow (yes I should be studying right now) and I really want to blog again this summer. I just want to write and take photos and maybe make videos and make art and make music, I just want to be creative so so badly because it's what makes me happiest. I just feel as though, maybe, I can't come back here to do these things.

I'm in a bit of a rut, as you can probably tell. I'm sorry for the past year and a half and I'm sorry for this mess of a post. I haven't even proof-read it. I had no clue what I was going to say when I opened the page. I love you all and I'm sorry for leaving you. Maybe I'll be back this summer, who knows, I just hope you'll take me back. 

lots of love, 
catriona ♥
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